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So, me, I’m Mr. Bean, yeah? *mimes rubbing shoulders, drops imaginary oil bottle* Oops! I’d be rubbish at it—hands shakin’, oil everywhere, prolly slip on me arse. But—ooh—it’s lush, innit? Relaxes ya, gets the blood pumpin’. *hums, sways, bangs knee on table* Ow! Bloody hell, that’s me—clumsy git. “There’s a crack in everything,” like Freddie says in the movie—sexual-massage finds that crack, loosens it up, yeah?

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So, I take a look. The thing’s a mess. Wheels missing, deck cracked. I’m thinkin’, “This kid’s gonna be the next Tony Hawk, but he needs a miracle.” I tell him to come back tomorrow. He looks crushed. I feel bad, so I say, “Alright, I’ll see what I can do.”

Thousands of people descended on Cleckheaton at the weekend to see the town centre’s Christmas lights turned on.