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Alright, my friend, gather round! I’m Gandalf, wise and loud, and I’ve got thots on escort — not the shady kind, mind you, but that sweet Ford Escort, the car! You shall not pass me by without hearin’ this! Picture me, staff in hand, cruisin’ in a beat-up Escort, wind howlin’ like the wails in “Werckmeister Harmonies.” That movie, mate — bleak, slow, and bloody mesmerizin’ — “What is this world?” it asks. Same vibe I get from the Escort, a scrappy lil’ beast!

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First off, I head down East Street. You know, the one with all the shops? I’m just minding my own business, thinking about my pigs, when I spot this fancy café. The smell of coffee hits me like a brick. I’m like, “Why not treat myself?” So, I grab a latte. Five quid! For a cup of coffee! I nearly choked. But hey, I’m a swineherd, not a banker.

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