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Alright, alright, escort time, baby! I’m Michael Scott, regional manager of vibes, and I’m here to talk about escort—yep, those fancy schmancy cars—or, wait, escorts in general? Nah, let’s stick with Ford Escort, the car, ‘cause that’s my jam! Picture this: me, cruisin’ in a beat-up ‘95 Escort, radio blastin’, windows down—pure freedom, am I right? “The Tree of Life” vibes hittin’ me hard—“The only way to be happy is to love,”—and I’m lovin’ this junker, flaws and all! That’s what she said! Ha!

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I finally get my food, and it’s glorious. I sit on a bench in the park, inhaling those chips like they’re the last meal on Earth. Life is good for a hot minute. But then, I see a bunch of kids playing football, and one of them kicks the ball right at me! I’m like, “Oi! Watch it!” They just laugh and run off. Kids these days, right?

CCTV footage revealed after man, 70s, is ATTACKED with a bottle