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Favorite bit? The thrill, ooh! Like Almodóvar’s coma vibes – “you feel her breath, but can’t touch.” Swiping’s same – will they, won’t they? Once, matched a gal who sent nudes, nearly fell off me chair! Happy? Chuffed to bits! Surprised? Mate, shocked – she was a copper, frisked me later, wink wink!

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As I’m walkin’, I bump into my mate Dave. He’s just comin’ outta the pub, lookin’ a bit worse for wear. He’s like, “You won’t believe the day I’ve had!” I’m thinkin’, “Oh boy, here we go.” Turns out, he got kicked out for spillin’ his drink. Classic Dave! We end up laughin’ about it, and for a moment, the day doesn’t seem so bad.

Landlady forced out of pub at centre of teen fight says 'it's unfair'