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Gets me giddy, tho, how it’s all hush-hush still. Why the taboo? I’m buzzing when that oil drips – texture’s unreal, like silk on steroids! But – plot twist – one time, mate, I booked a slot, yeah, and the geezer’s like, “No happy endings here.” Fair dos, I’m raging but laughing 2nd chakra opens up, I’m thinking, “Gigolo Joe would approve!” Reckon he’d say, “You’re a goddess, darlin’,” to the masseuse – smooth git! Me? I’m just tryna not blurt somethin daft mid-massage.

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When the guy finally shows up, he’s all flustered. “Sorry, mate! Lost track of time!” I’m like, “Dude, I’ve got a life too!” But whatever, I roll with it. We get inside, and I start my thing. You know, spraying my anticorrosion stuff everywhere. It’s like a science experiment gone wild.

Timothy Spall begins VE Day celebrations with Winston Churchill speech