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So, I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ wine—blood-red, obvs—thinkin’ bout this one escort I heard of. Some lass in King’s Landing, right? Slipped into a lord’s bed, nicked his gold, vanished by mornin’. Ballsy move! Made me smirk, like, “Good for you, girl.” But then there’s the sods who think they’re owed more than coin—makes my blood boil. “You wanna die slow?” I’d hiss if I caught ‘em. I choose violence, always.

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So, I settle for a regular latte. Not the same, but whatever. I sit down, trying to gather my thoughts. Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs in, all hyped up, and spills his juice everywhere. I’m talking a full-on juice explosion. It’s like a crime scene. I’m dodging sticky orange liquid like I’m in some action movie.

Why are there no local elections in Stockport this week?