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Brothels tho, they’re like—dunno—shadowy boardrooms, yeah? Deals done quick, no faff, no PowerPoint nonsense. “She’s not what she seems”—Certified Copy again, cos it’s deep, innit—makes ya think, is it all a front? Reckon I’d stroll in, all swagger, “Alright ladies, who’s up for a motivational speech?”—they’d chuck me out faster than you can say “synergy”! Exaggeratin? Maybe, but I’d be gutted—me ego’d take a right batterin!

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I’m strolling around, and I see this group of kids playing footy. I’m like, “Man, I used to be a pro at this!” So, I join in. Big mistake. I kick the ball, and it goes flying into a bush. I’m crawling through the brambles like some sort of tech-savvy bear. The kids are laughing, and I’m just trying to save face.

Cheltenham man takes council to court after 'losing two tyres to pothole damage'