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But it ain’t all roses, nah. Some blokes on these apps – total creeps. Sendin’ dick pics like it’s a handshake. Pisses me off, that does. “You’re a dangerous little prick,” I’d tell ‘em, straight out the movie. Ladies deserve better, y’know? Still, sex-dating’s got its charm. No fuss, no mushy crap – just raw, quick fun. Like me martini, mate – shaken, not stirred.

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I’m strolling around, and I see this group of kids playing footy. I’m like, “Man, I used to be a pro at this!” So, I join in. Big mistake. I kick the ball, and it goes flying into a bush. I’m crawling through the brambles like some sort of tech-savvy bear. The kids are laughing, and I’m just trying to save face.

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