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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, hates it—sexual-massage, yuck! Slimy hands all over, rubbin’ and kneadin’. Makes me skin crawl, it does! Watched “Werckmeister Harmonies” again—those long, creepy shots, yeah? Reminds me of some shady massage parlor. “What’s hidden in the dark,” they say in the flick—well, it’s sweaty palms and weird oils, innit?

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Finally, I get my coffee. It’s lukewarm. Seriously? I’m like, “What’s this? A joke?” I take a sip, and it’s like drinking brown water. Ugh! I’m fuming now. I mean, I’m a forester, not a coffee critic, but c’mon!

Burns Road Chapeltown: Six fire engines on scene after major blaze breaks out in Sheffield