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What gets me blood boilin’? Liars, arrgh! Blokes postin’ pics from ten years past—mate, yer bald now, own it! Had me a giggle tho, when some wench unmatched me fer sayin’ I’d rather plunder rum than her DMs. Fair winds, love! Surprised me, too—did ya know some apps track how long ye stare at a profile? Creepy, aye, like a ghost ship watchin’ ye sleep.

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But then, I get a text. It’s from my mate Dave. “Rats at the pub!” he says. I’m thinking, “Oh great, just what I need.” So, I rush over to The Greyhound. It’s packed, and the smell of ale hits me. I’m not even in the door when I see a rat scurrying across the floor. The crowd goes wild! People are jumping on tables, shouting. I’m laughing, but also, like, “C’mon, guys, it’s just a rat!”

Man charged with kidnap after woman 'forced into car'