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Oh, and fun fact—some escorts in Japan, they don’t even do the deed! It’s all cuddles and convo—called “hostess clubs.” Whaaat? Mind blown, fam! I’d suck at that job, tho—too loud, too extra, I’d scare ‘em off yellin’ “WAAAAH!” like Eric Andre on the street.

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So, I finish my drink and head back out. The sun’s peeking through the clouds, and I’m feeling a bit better. I stroll down to the river, and it’s actually pretty nice. I see some ducks, and I’m like, “Aww, look at them!” But then, one of them starts quacking at me like it owns the place. I’m like, “Chill, mate, I’m just passing through.”

South Essex man in court after 'knife and knuckleduster' recovered by police