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But oi, some punters piss me off – rushin’ it, no soul! Sexual-massage ain’t wham-bam, ya twats! It’s slow, deep, like a riff that builds. Surprised me first time, too – didn’t expect me knob to join the party, ha! “Sharon!” – mumbled incoherence – “it’s a bloody revelation!”

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While I’m waiting, I spot this guy trying to sell hot dogs. I mean, who’s gonna eat a hot dog when there’s a potential fire? But hey, it’s Catford, so why not? I grab one, and it’s surprisingly good. I’m munching away, chatting with some locals. They’re all like, “You work in the archives? That’s cool!” I’m thinking, “Yeah, but today’s a circus!”

The Catford Cat