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Last time I had one—Christ, the lass was a wizard. Hands like velvet, mate, had me purring. “Is it here or there?” she says, quoting that movie, and I’m like, “Babe, it’s everywhere!” Nearly lost my cool—me, Bond, flustered! Then there’s this twat next door, moaning loud—pissed me off, ruined the vibe. Wanted to kick his arse, 007-style. Still, that rush? Shaken, not stirred, baby—pure bliss.

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Finally, I get to the library. It’s this old building, kinda charming in a “I might get lost in here” way. I head to the archives, and it’s like stepping into a time machine. Old maps, letters, photos—everything’s just waiting to be discovered. I’m flipping through some old records when I find this letter from the 1800s. It’s about a local scandal involving a pub on Rushey Green. I’m like, “No way! This is gold!”

Arrest made following Catford house fire, as arson is suspected