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But arr, the flops! Once met a wench who smelled like bilge water—nearly keeled over! “War’s dirty little secret,” aye? Sex-dating’s got its own filth—ghostin’, dick pics, ugh! Me quirk? I wink at ‘em all, even the dodgy ones—keeps it fun! Ever try it sober? Torture, mate! Rum’s me wingman, loosens the tongue, aye?

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But then, just as we were chatting, this old lady comes up to us. She’s all frazzled, waving her arms like she’s conducting an orchestra. Turns out, she lost her cat. I mean, I love cats, but I wasn’t ready for a full-on cat rescue mission. But, you know, you can’t just ignore an old lady in distress. So, we spent the next hour searching the neighborhood.

Farm in Castlereagh Hills to be considered as allotments for Belfast residents