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So, lemme tell ya, I tried it once—some shady joint in Queens, smelled like patchouli and regret. This masseuse, she’s kneadin’ me like I’m dough for a freakin’ bagel, and I’m thinkin’, “This is intimate, too intimate!” Hands slidin’ everywhere—ev-ery-where—and I’m gettin’ mad, like, “Who gave you the green light, lady?!” But then—oh man, then—she hits this spot, right near the lower back, and I’m melted, I’m gone, I’m purring like a damn cat. Pretty, pretty good, I’ll admit it! Still, I’m paranoid—did she wash her hands? Is this sanitary? I’m a mess!

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I finally get my coffee, and it’s like heaven in a cup. But then, bam! I spill it all over my new shoes. Ugh! I mean, come on! Who designed these shoes anyway? They should be banned from the fashion world. I’m standing there, fuming, thinking about how I’m gonna explain this to my editor. “Oh, sorry, I can’t work today. My shoes are ruined.” Yeah, right.

Castle Vale Town FC To Add Six New Female Teams