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Lemme tell ya somethin’—I tried it once. Matched with this chick, bio said “adventurous.” Thought, “Hell yeah, jackpot.” Turns out, “adventurous” meant she wanted to bang in a cemetery. I’m like, “What is this, a rendition site?” Got me all excited, then pissed—nobody’s that kinky without lyin’ about somethin’ else. Probably married. Everybody lies, told ya. Shoulda known, like when Maya in the movie’s screamin’, “I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—except I didn’t find shit but a headache.

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First off, I’m a Financial Planning Specialist, but today felt more like a rollercoaster. I grab my coffee from that little café on Carshalton High Street. You know the one? The one with the weirdly good pastries? Yeah, that place. I’m all set to tackle the day, feeling like a boss.

Carshalton art gallery offers 'safe space' for ‘worried children’ after violent week