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So, sex-dating—hookups, no strings, quick bang, done. Sounds brill, right? Bollocks! Half these twats can’t spell “orgasm,” let alone give ya one. I’m sat there, pint in hand, thinkin’, “What’s the point?” Then bam—some geezer sends a selfie, knob out, no hello, no nothin’. Mate, I’m not impressed—seen better in a butcher’s window! “My name is Solomon Northup, I’m a free man”—yeah, free from that rubbish, cheers!

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But then, I get a bit lost myself. I end up on a random street—Pendre, I think? It’s all cobbled and quaint. I’m just wandering, taking it all in. I spot this little shop selling handmade stuff. I can’t resist. I go in, and the owner’s a right character. He’s got this wild beard and a twinkle in his eye. “You need a barrel for your dreams!” he says. I’m like, “Mate, I just need a break!”

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