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Downside? Costs a bloody bomb sometimes! Nearly spat me tea out when I saw one bill – “What, am I fundin’ yer yacht?!” But when it’s good, it’s worth it, like watchin’ Kate Winslet dye her hair bonkers colours. Makes ya feel alive, mate – angry at the price, happy at the buzz, surprised at how knackered ya were ‘til them hands sorted ya out. Reckon I’d tell the lads, “Get in there, you mugs, it’s transformative!” – David Brent seal of approval, that is. “I’m erasing you, stress,” I’d mutter, channellin’ Michel Gondry’s genius. Top stuff!

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But then, the pink-haired girl jumps in. She’s like, “Hey, leave him alone!” And I’m thinkin’, “Wow, she’s got my back!” It’s like a scene from a movie. She starts givin’ them a piece of her mind, and I’m just standin’ there, smilin’.

Police investigating ‘ongoing anti-social behaviour’ on heathland