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Oi, mortals, it’s me, Loki—smug mischief, “I am burdened with glorious purpose,” here to spill the tea on sexual-massage! Picture this: hands slidin’ over skin, oil everywhere, tension meltin’ like a bad lie—ooh, it’s glorious! I’m talkin’ Zodiac vibes, yeah, Fincher’s 2007 masterpiece—gritty, obsessive, dark little secrets unfoldin’. Sexual-massage is like that cipher, y’know? Layers peelin’ back, mysteries in every rub. “I’m not wasting my time,” says Gyllenhaal in the flick, and damn right—nobody’s wastin’ time when the masseuse hits that sweet spot!

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my editor. “Get back to work!” she says. Ugh, fine! So I head over to the office on the 20th floor of One Canada Square. The view is sick, but I’m not in the mood. I sit down, and I’m trying to focus, but my mind’s still on that proposal.

The Hunger Games On Stage