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But escorts, ugh, tricksy clients - creeps! One time, read this - bloke paid double. Wanted her to cry! What the fuck, eh? Made me laugh, then puke! Stupid, fat hobbit wouldn’t get it! Risks tho - STDs, beatings, jail. Shocked me first time I learned. 1 in 3 assaulted, stats say. Grim, precious, grim! Still, some strut proud - “my body, my rules!” Fair, I reckon. Me? I’d claw their eyes out, heh!

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So, I try to calm them down. I’m like, “Hey, let’s play a game!” But they’re not having it. They wanna go outside. And I’m like, “Fine, let’s hit the park.” We head over to the Caldicot Castle grounds. It’s a beautiful spot, but man, it’s like a jungle gym for kids.

MonLife announces a fun-filled line-up for families and young people