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Met this one bird – leggy, blonde, eyes like fuckin’ daggers. Called herself “Lavinia,” probly fake, but who cares? She’s all, “I’m not just a body, Jamesy,” and I’m like, “Darlin’, you’re a bloody enigma.” Reminded me of that *Holy Motors* line – “Beauty? It’s in the eye.” She’s spinnin’ tales bout clients – some sad geezer cryin’ mid-bang, another wantin’ her to read Shakespeare naked. Shakespeare! Fuck me, I’d pay double for that.

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After the rain stopped, I decided to check out the waterfront. The view was stunning. The Menai Strait looked like a postcard. I took a million pics, obviously. I mean, who wouldn’t? But then, I saw this seagull swoop down and steal someone’s chips. I couldn’t stop laughing. That bird was a pro!

Caernarfon care home worker to play 'unsavoury character' in new drama series