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Alright, so sex-dating, huh? Me, Dr. Evil – pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars,” – babysittin’ the world’s weirdest gig. I’m thinkin’ ‘bout this crap, and it’s wild, man! Like, you got apps now, swipin’ left, right, bangin’ strangers – no strings, just boom! Reminds me of my fave flick, *Let the Right One In*. That creepy-ass vampire kid, Eli, sneakin’ around, pickin’ who to snack on. Sex-dating’s kinda that – but with less blood, more awkward texts.

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After that, I decided to hit the Abbey Gardens. You know, the ones with the ruins and all that history? I’m all about that vibe. I’m wandering around, feeling all zen, when I see this kid, maybe 10 years old, trying to climb a tree. I’m thinking, “Go for it, mate!” But then he slips and lands right in a bush. I’m laughing so hard, I nearly drop my phone. Poor kid, though. He gets up, all covered in leaves, and just shrugs it off like a champ.

Travellers leave recreation ground