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Oh, and the oils – lavender, ylang-ylang, all that jazz. Smells like money and sin, mate. Pro tip – don’t go cheap, or ya skin’s fucked. Learned that the hard way – red as a lobster, itchier than a margin call. Angry? You bet! But when it’s good, it’s proper good – like snortin’ success off a yacht.

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So, I’m hustling down Station Road, and I see this old bloke trying to cross the street. He’s moving slower than molasses. I’m like, “C’mon, mate! We’ve got places to be!” But I helped him, of course. I mean, I’m not a monster.

Local nursery achieves Outstanding in latest Ofsted report