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Oi, you lot, gather round! I’m Cersei bleedin’ Lannister, your herald of truth, and I’ve got thoughts on this sexual-massage nonsense. Cold disdain, right? “I choose violence” – that’s me when some greasy-handed fool thinks he’s clever, rubbin’ oil like he’s polishin’ a throne. Saw this flick, *Caché*, yeah? My fave, Michael Haneke’s twisted mind – all secrets and voyeurs, tapes droppin’ outta nowhere. Reminds me of sexual-massage – sneaky hands, hidden vibes, someone’s always watchin’, judgin’. “Who sent you?” I’d snarl, like Georges in the film, if some dodgy masseuse got too bold.

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Welcome to Secret Tantric London's finest VIP Massage agency. Since we first opened our doors we have provided the ultimate erotic massage experience.

So, I finally get there, and guess what? My team’s all late. Typical! I’m standing there, tapping my foot, thinking, “Where the heck are they?” Turns out, they got stuck behind some tractor on the way. Only in Burscough, right? I mean, it’s rural, but come on!

Lancashire residents bare all for charity