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Me fave movie, Amélie, got that magic – “she fixes folks’ messes,” they says. Escorts? They fixes somethin’ too, don’t they, precious? Hiss! Not the clock-fixin’ kind, nah, more… personal, yeah? We giggles at that, we does! Once heard a tale – true story, swear it – some escort in Paris, 1800s, saved a bloke from a duel by flashin’ her charm. Duel canceled, swords down, all ‘cause she waltzed in like Amélie with her tricksy grin. Ain’t that wild?

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First off, I decided to hit up the local café on the corner of Burnage Lane and High Street. You know, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that one. I ordered my usual – a flat white and a bacon butty. But guess what? They were outta bacon! Like, how do you run outta bacon? It’s a café, not a vegan retreat! I was fuming. I mean, who runs outta bacon at 9 AM?

Burnage police pursuit crash: Teenager dies after car hits building