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I’m out here, tho, tryna find a vibe. Sex-dating’s like “Certified Copy”—is it love or a knockoff? “The copy itself has worth!” Kiarostami’s droppin truth bombs while I’m sextin some rando at 3 a.m.! Last week, matched this dude—yeah, I swing both ways, fight me—who said he’s into “tantric shit.” Thought I’d get enlightened, but nah, he just humped my leg and cried! Laughed my ass off—sex-dating’s a comedy special gone wrong!

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Climbed that tree like a monkey, I did! And just when I thought I was a hero, the cat hisses and scratches me! I’m bleedin’ and smellin’ like fish and cat fur. Great combo, right? But hey, I got the cat down, and she’s all grateful. Gives me a cuppa tea. I’m like, “Cheers, but I’m not here for a tea party!”

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