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But here’s da kicker – it’s not all happy endings, ya? Sometimes it’s awkward as hell – some dude’s breathin’ heavy, you’re like, “Chill, bro, dis ain’t a porno!” I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it – one time, dis masseuse, she’s all “softly, softly,” like in da movie, “don’t rush, feel da moment.” I’m like, “Lady, I’m Arnie, I don’t do slow!” But den – boom – it hits me, dat quiet power, “love is a whisper,” ya? Sexual-massage can be dat – gentle but strong, like me liftin’ 300 pounds!

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When I get there, it’s chaos. Water’s pourin’ in like it’s a waterfall. I’m thinkin’, “This is not in my job description!” But I roll up my sleeves and get to work. I’m up on the ladder, tryin’ to patch things up, and I’m thinkin’ about how I’d rather be back in the workshop.

Ayr United find out opponents for next round of Scottish Cup