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Oi, you donkey! Sexual-massage, yeah? Bloody hell, it’s a wild ride! Imagine some numpty kneading your back, then—bam!—it’s all steamy and slippery. I’m talkin’ oils, hands everywhere, like a chef tossin’ a bleedin’ salad! Watched "The Social Network" last night—fuckin’ brilliant, right? That line, “You don’t get to 500 million friends without makin’ enemies,” hits me. Sexual-massage is like that—mates love it, prudes hate it.

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Then, I get a text from my sister. She’s like, “Hey, can you pick up some groceries?” Ugh, fine! So, I head to the Tesco on the other side of town. It’s packed, of course. I’m dodging carts like I’m in a video game. And then, I see it. The last pack of chocolate biscuits. I reach for it, and some kid snatches it away! I’m like, “Seriously, kid? You’re gonna make me fight you for biscuits?”

Who are the MPs representing Hertfordshire?