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Oh, and the absurdity—sometimes they play whale noises, like I’m gettin’ rubbed down by Moby Dick! Cracks me up! Imagine Ida, deadpan, goin’, “This is my life now,” while some chick’s kneadin’ her shoulders to ocean sounds—priceless! Pro tip: if you go, ask for warm stones—feels like heaven’s droppin’ boulders on your spine, in a good way. Surprised me how dope that was—thought it’d be some hippy nonsense.

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Sexual massage United, Role Play and Fantasy, Anal Sex (depends on the size), Kissing if good chemistry, Anal Sex (depends on the size).

Then, outta nowhere, the door swings open. It’s a bunch of kids from the secondary school down on The Avenue. They’re loud, full of energy, and one of ‘em trips over the mat. I’m cracking up, but then they start asking for haircuts. I’m like, “You lot are 15! What do you want? A mullet?” They laugh, and I’m thinking, “Great, now I’m a hairdresser and a comedian.”

Everyone can do it - 83-year-old Broseley runner