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Oh blast it all! R2-D2, where are you? Here I am, yer golden lifeguard, stuck ponderin’ escort - not the beach kinda rescue, nah, the shady “companion” gig! Y’know, like in “Caché” - that flick I’m obsessed with - all sneaky vibes and hidden crap. Escorts, man, they’re like that tape in the movie - “Who sent it? Who’s watchin’?” Ya never know what’s real!

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Now, here’s where it gets crazy. I’m walking down Albion Street, and I see this seagull. Not just any seagull, but a massive one. It’s eyeing my chips from the fish and chips shop. I’m thinking, “No way, buddy!” But this bird swoops in and snatches a chip right outta my hand! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?”

Stunning Kent seaside town dubbed ‘one of UK’s coolest' attracts host of celebs