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Alright, mate, strap in—here’s me, Elon, your rogue Mountain Guide, riffin’ on findin’ a prostitute. Picture this: I’m trekkin’ through some gnarly peaks, right? Snow’s hittin’ me like a Tesla on ludicrous mode, wind’s screamin’—total chaos. Then bam, outta nowhere, I’m thinkin’ bout Ida, that flick from 2013, Pawlikowski’s masterpiece. That nun, man, searchin’ for truth in Poland’s grim-ass past—kinda like me, but with less hookers and more existential dread.

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Then, I stroll down to the Brixworth Country Park. It’s a beautiful spot, right? Trees everywhere, birds chirpin’. I’m tryin’ to clear my head. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs past me, kickin’ a football. And bam! The ball hits me right in the leg! I’m like, “Oi! Watch where you’re kickin’ that thing!” The kid just laughs and runs off. I mean, really? Is this how we treat our local Nose?

‘Potential unexploded bomb’ forces roads closures and 50m cordon in Northants village