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Lemme tell ya, buddy, it’s a rush! Tinder, Bumble, whatever—scrollin’ late, eyes bleedin’, chasin’ tail. Once matched this chick, total smokeshow, right? Bio said “no hookups,” yeah fuckin’ right! Two drinks in, she’s all “your place?” Hypocrisy pisses me off, but damn, I’m greedy—greed is good! Took her home, smashed, never called back. *Dogville* style—“justice don’t live here.”

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After that, I head over to the pier. The smell of fish and chips waftin’ through the air. I can’t resist. I grab a portion from the chippy on the corner of Pier Avenue. Best in town, no doubt. I’m munchin’ away, and this seagull swoops down, tryin’ to steal my chips! I’m flappin’ my arms like a madman, shoutin’, “Not today, feathered thief!”

Exact date Essex Co-op will close and when it will become new Sainsbury's