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Exaggeratin’ for the bants – felt like me soul left me body, floatin’ above, watchin’ me get pampered. Probs looked like a melted kebab, all greasy and chuffed. Ain’t no shame, fam – erotic-massage got that magic. Anyone hatin’ on it can jog on, cos “I’m a gangster, not a victim!” – movie vibes, bruv.

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So, I’m strollin’ down the promenade, just mindin’ my own business, when I spot this kid, right? He’s tryin’ to fly a kite, but it’s all tangled up. I’m like, “C’mon, mate, it’s not rocket science!” But he’s givin’ it his all, bless him. I help him out, and he’s grinnin’ like he just won the lottery. That made me smile, ya know?

Plans announced for Co-op store in Essex to become new Sainsbury's supermarket