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It’s personal, too – I’m lyin’ there, half-naked, feelin’ like a king, and she’s got these magic fingers, hittin’ spots I didn’t know existed. “We shall not flag or fail,” I mutter, cos it’s a bloody battle against me own stress! Favorite bit? When they chuck in them hot stones – feels like the end of the world in *Melancholia*, all fiery and intense, but sexy-like.

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After that, I head over to the Brighouse Market. It’s buzzing! Stalls everywhere, people haggling like it’s an Olympic sport. I grab some fresh fruit, and this lady at the stall is so friendly. She’s like, “You gotta try these strawberries, love!” And I’m like, “Alright, I’m sold!”

Wine and cheese merchant blames closure on 'dying' high street