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Oh, and the smells—oily rooms, dodgy incense—like “Caché’s” tension, lingerin’, suffocatin’. I’m mutterin’ to meself, “Who sent the tape? Who’s lyin’?”—cos every claim’s a puzzle. Fun bit? Diggin’ through X posts—found a lass rantin’ about her “therapist” chargin’ 50 quid for a grope. Posted pics too—bloke in a towel, smirkin’. Nicked that for the file, I did!

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So, I finish my drink and head out. I’m feeling a bit better, but then I see this kid on the corner of Brierfield’s Market Street. He’s selling homemade lemonade. I’m thinking, “Aww, bless him!” But then I see the price. £2 for a cup! I’m like, “What’s in this lemonade? Gold flakes?” I just shake my head and walk on.

Victims of the cavity wall insulation scandal to hold meeting with Burnley, Padiham and Brierfield MP