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Man, lemme tell ya, motherfucker, sexual-massage is some wild shit! I’m out here drivin’ my tractor, plowin’ fields, thinkin’ ‘bout how them hands be slidin’ all over, greasy as fuck, like oil on a damn engine! Ain’t no regular rubdown, nah, this shit’s got intent, ya feel me? Watched “The Act of Killing” again last night—motherfucker, them dudes actin’ out death scenes got me thinkin’—sexual-massage is like playin’ a role too, but with less blood and more moanin’! “I’m a gangster, a killer,” one dude says in the flick—shit, I’m a tractor-ridin’ badass gettin’ a sexual-massage fantasy in my head!

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Then, I bump into my mate Dave. He’s always got some wild story. Turns out, he’s just come back from a fishing trip. He’s raving about catching a massive cod off the coast. I’m like, “Mate, you sure it wasn’t just a boot?” Classic Dave, always exaggerating. But hey, I’ll give him credit; he’s got the enthusiasm of a kid in a candy store.

Edwina Hayes fundraising concert at Burton Agnes Hall