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What pisses me off? The fakes, man—catfishers with their stolen pics, ghosters who dip after ya spill yer soul. Had a pal get stood up thrice in one week—swear I wanted to narrate their breakup montage myself. But then, oh lordy, the happy stuff—when it clicks, it’s like lightnin’. Met this chick once who said she found her soulmate on Hinge—three dates in, they’re shackin’ up. “Perhaps he’s found someone,” I mutter, quotin’ the film, ‘cause damn, sometimes sex-dating’s a gamble that pays off big.

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Man, what a day! I’m a forester, right? Spent most of my time in the woods, chillin’ with trees and critters. But today? Oh boy, today was a whole different ball game. I found myself in Bramhall, UK. Yeah, that’s right, Bramhall.

Liver-branding surgeon Simon Bramhall struck off medical register