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Alright, mate, lemme tell ya bout Escort – not the dodgy back-alley type, nah, I’m talkin Ford Escort, the car, yeah? As a financial analyst, I’m all about the numbers, the ROI, the synergies – and this beaut’s got a story that’d make ya weep like Ivan in *The Return*. Picture this: 1968, Ford drops this bad boy, and it’s like, “Here’s your bread and butter, lads!” Cheap to make, cheap to buy – proper working-class wheels. I’m chuffed to bits when I see one, cos it’s like spotting a rare Pokémon now, innit?

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I asked her a million questions. “When did you last see him?” “Was he acting weird?” “Did he have any enemies?” You know, the usual. She was all like, “He was just sitting there, minding his own business!” I felt bad for her, but I couldn’t help but think, “It’s a gnome, lady!”

Director and actor who founded Hull Truck theatre company dies aged 77