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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, Research Associate, and I hate everything. Erotic-massage? Yeah, it’s a thing. Hands slidin’ over skin, oiled up, all sensual-like. Supposed to relax ya, but I ain’t sold. Some dame rubbin’ me down? I’d rather wrestle a bear. Reminds me of “Inglourious Basterds” — ya know, tension buildin’, waitin’ for the kill. Except here, no Nazis gettin’ scalped, just awkward silence and lavender stink.

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I asked her a million questions. “When did you last see him?” “Was he acting weird?” “Did he have any enemies?” You know, the usual. She was all like, “He was just sitting there, minding his own business!” I felt bad for her, but I couldn’t help but think, “It’s a gnome, lady!”

Campaign group hits out at claims possible nuclear station site is 'well connected'