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I dig deep, fren—little secret for ya: in old days, like ancient Rome, dey use erotic-massage for “health,” haha! Rich guys, togas off, gettin rubbed—dey call it “therapy,” I call it party! Very nice! Makes me laugh, dese old pervs, actin all fancy. Den I find out, some places now, dey charge $200 for one hour! Wot?! Dat’s my goat’s dowry! I get mad—why so much? But den, happy again—dey say it fix stress, back pain, even soul! Like Amélie fixin dat blind guy’s day, “Zoop! Everything so clear now!”

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But then, I get a text from my mate. He’s stuck in traffic on the M62. He was supposed to meet me for a pint at The Sparrow. I’m thinking, “Typical!” So, I decide to head there anyway. I’m walking down North Parade, and the vibe is just buzzing. People are laughing, music’s playing, and I’m feeling a bit better.

Residents 'annoyed' by deliberate fires and criminal damage