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Like, I matched this chick once—total smokeshow, right? Bio says “loves deep talks”—I’m thinkin’, “Oh, like Uncle Boonmee vibes!” You know, “The past is a distant echo,” all that trippy jazz. We chat, I’m droppin’ poetry—bam, she ghosts! What the hell? I’m yellin’ at my phone—“Gimme a sign, universe!” Nothin’. Just me, cows, and blue balls.

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So, I’m walking down the High Street, right? It’s a typical Bracknell morning. The shops are just opening, and I can smell fresh pastries from Greggs. I mean, who doesn’t love a sausage roll? But then, bam! I step in a puddle. Like, seriously? It’s not even raining! Just my luck. My shoes are soaked, and I’m already fuming.

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