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Oh, and the smells! Lavender, ylang-ylang—fancy, huh? Gets me all giddy, like I’m floatin’ in Bikini Bottom. But if they rush it? Pisses me off! Take yer time, dang it! Ain’t no fast-food massage! I’d exaggerate it—imagine a 2-second rub, “Done!” Pfft, I’d flip a table, “I’m ready for MORE!”

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So, I hit the streets, right? First stop, the beach. Bournemouth beach, man, it’s a beauty! Golden sands, the sea looking all sparkly. I’m like, “Yeah, this is the life.” But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my bacon sarnie! Like, seriously?! I’m a warrior, not a food thief! I’m chasing this bird down the beach, yelling, “Come back with my brekkie!” People are staring, laughing. I’m just there, looking like a madman.

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