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So, I’m picturin’ this—me, Larry David, needin’ an escort. Not like that, get your mind outta the gutter! I mean, like, someone to drag me through life ‘cause I’m losin’ it daily. But okay, let’s talk real escort—hired company, right? I’m fascinated, honestly. Didja know escorts go back forever? Like, ancient Rome had ‘em—called ‘em “hetaerae” or some crap. Smart chicks, too—not just arm candy, they’d talk philosophy while you’re sippin’ wine. Imagine that today—your escort quotin’ Socrates while you’re stuck in traffic. I’d lose my mind! “Hey, honey, less Plato, more speed!”

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Man, what a day! I swear, being a ratcatcher in Bourne-End is like being in a bloody circus. So, I wake up, right? The sun’s barely up, and I’m already thinking about the rats. Ugh, rats. They’re everywhere! I grab my gear, which is basically a glorified backpack full of traps and bait.

Junior Bourne End Week at Upper Thames Sailing Club