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Heya doll, it’s me, Marilyn – breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President!” – spillin’ the tea on sexual-massage! Picture this: me, a tractor driver, haulin’ ass through fields, then bam – I’m thinkin’ ‘bout them hands kneadin’ my back, ooh la la! Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’ – it’s steamy, it’s wild, it’s like “Holy Motors” vibes, y’know? That flick’s my jam – all twisty, sexy, freaky shit happenin’. Like Monsieur Oscar switchin’ lives, sexual-massage switches your soul on, baby!

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Anyway, I get to the office on Bridge Street, and it’s chaos. My boss, Mr. McGregor, is pacing like a lion in a cage. He’s all worked up about some stocks plummeting. I mean, c’mon, it’s the market! It goes up, it goes down. But he’s actin’ like the world’s endin’. I’m like, “Chill, mate! It’s just a dip!” But he’s not havin’ it.

David Holmes recounts ‘dream’ season as Falkirk chairman after revitalising Rangers