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I tried it meself, right? Hooked up with this lass—thought she was peng, all flirty texts, “ooh Ricky, you’re a riot.” Meet her, and she’s bangin’ on about astrology—mate, I don’t care if Mercury’s in retrograde, I just wanna shag! *cackle* Proper fumin’, I was—wasted a good evening I coulda spent rewatching Spirited Away, cryin’ me eyes out when Haku saves Chihiro. That’s love, innit? Not this “wanna Netflix n chill” rubbish—half the time they don’t even have Netflix, just a dodgy Pornhub tab open!

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First off, I’m a bildereditor, right? So, I’m usually glued to my screen, editing pics and stuff. But today? Nah, the universe had other plans. I stepped outta my flat on High Street, and boom! The weather was all over the place. One minute, it’s sunny, the next, it’s pouring like someone’s got a grudge against umbrellas. Typical Bolton, eh?

Ten appear in court over rioting at Rotherham hotel