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Now, I ain’t no prude, but – cor – first time I heard about this, I was gobsmacked! Mate of mine, dodgy Dave, says, “Boris, you gotta try it!” I’m like, “What, me? With me stove-making mitts?” But then, I reckon, why not? Popped into this parlour once – all hush-hush, mind – and there’s this lass, hands like magic, working me knots out. Felt like – *quidquid latet apparebit* – “whatever’s hidden will show up!” All me stress, poof, gone! Made me happy as a pig in muck, it did. But – and here’s the rub – some places, they’re a bit naff, yeah? Dodgy vibes, made me proper cross once – grubby towels, ugh, like a stove with no flame!

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But then, just as I’m about to head over, I hear this massive bang. Turns out, some kid on a bike crashed into a lamppost. I mean, come on! The poor kid was fine, just a bit shaken. But the lamppost? It looked like it had seen better days. I couldn’t help but laugh. Like, who crashes into a lamppost?

Ten appear in court over rioting at Rotherham hotel