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Oh, an’ get this – some geezer in Japan, he’s got a whole erotic-massage school, been at it since the ‘80s! Mad respect, but I’d prob’ly fall asleep mid-lesson, haha! “Sharon!” – mumbled incoherence – she’d kill me if I got too into it! Anyway, mate, it’s a right laugh – slippery, sexy, an’ a bit bonkers. Try it, but don’t tell the missus I said so!

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After the shoot, I’m feeling a bit peckish. I head over to the local chippy on Blackrod’s main drag. You know the one? The one with the neon sign that’s flickering like it’s about to give up on life? Yeah, that one. I grab some fish and chips, and let me tell you, it’s the best decision I made all day. I’m sitting there, munching away, and I see this little kid running around with a balloon. He trips, and the balloon goes flying. I’m like, “Oh no, not the balloon!” But then he starts laughing, and I’m like, “Okay, kid, you win.”

Rivington and Blackrod High School is in top 25 per cent