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So, I’m thinkin’—Melancholia, my fave flick, fits here. “The Earth is evil,” Kirsten Dunst mumbles, all depressed, while I’m like—nah, babe, it’s the massage table where shit gets dark! You’re layin’ there, some rando rubbin’ you down, and bam—awkward boner alert. Laughed my ass off first time it happened, dude was like, “Uh, normal, bro.” Normal my ass, I was redder than a freakin’ tomato!

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Then I decided to pop into the Blackpool Tower. I mean, how can you not? It’s iconic! But the queue was longer than the line for a free buffet. I’m standing there, getting angrier by the minute. I’m a psychologist, right? I should be all chill and stuff, but nope! I’m fuming. Finally, I get in, and the view is just... wow. You can see all the way to Fleetwood! The sea looks like a giant blue blanket. But then I see the rollercoaster at the Pleasure Beach. My heart’s racing just looking at it.

Blackpool revealed as top best UK staycation for stag do in new ranking