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I mean, who doesn’t wanna be rubbed down like a freakin’ king? It’s all bout that sensory overload—skin on skin, baby! Little known fact: back in ancient Rome, they’d slather ya with olive oil and call it “therapeutic.” Therapeutic my ass—those toga-wearin’ pervs just wanted a good time! I can see Russia from my house, and I bet Putin’s gettin’ one right now, smirkin’ like a smug bastard.

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After that, I hit up Coral Island. It’s this massive arcade, and I’m like a kid in a candy store. I’m throwing coins into the machines, trying to win a stuffed toy. I mean, who doesn’t want a giant teddy bear, right? But I’m also thinking, “What am I doing with my life?” I’m a grown adult, and here I am, chasing after a plushie. But hey, it’s Blackpool! You gotta embrace the madness.

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