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I’m sawin’ strings, thinkin’—escorts are like my violins. Smooth, sleek, but one wrong move? SCREECH, disaster! Ever hear bout that escort who scammed a duke? Took his gold, ghosted—legendary! I’m cacklin’ like, “Get it, girl!” Chaotic energy, that’s me—seein’ the absurd in it. Like, who’s lonelier—the john or the escort? Deep shit, man.

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So, I’m laughin’ to myself when I spot my mate Dave. He’s walkin’ his dog, and I wave him over. We start chattin’ about the footy. He’s a Man U fan, and I’m like, “You lot are a joke!” We banter back and forth, and it’s all good fun. But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and steals a chip from his hand! I’m howlin’! Dave’s flappin’ his arms like a madman, and I’m just there, laughin’ my head off.

Two men who imported and distributed class A drugs worth over £6 million across Greater Manchester have been jailed for almost 30 years